The first cut is the deepest
Hello lovelies! Welcome to my second blog post! This blog post we will be talking about a topic that I honestly avoid – the trauma of first heartbreaks.
As I mentioned in my first blog post, I was boy crazy at a young age and started having relationships pretty young. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was THE boy for me. I had a crush on him for YEARS before we finally started going together. For a teenage relationship, it was perfect – a little too perfect actually. Compared to our classmates, our relationship lacked drama, which I thought was a bad thing. (Listen, I had a very toxic mindset when I was young, don’t judge me). Nevertheless, I was happy, and I loved him. The issues that we did have though is that we only saw each other at school, and I guess in my fear that my parents would prohibit the relationship, I didn’t sneak around much to see him. We were going to get married, so we had plenty of time to date and see each other outside of school. After being together for almost two years, we broke up. Actually, we broke up twice. We broke up one day and then we got back together, but broke up again a day or so later. Honestly, I can’t really remember the reasoning. I remember being pissed about it and trying to act like it didn’t hurt me.
Throughout the following four years, we conversed here and there, but due to a conversation I overheard, my pride would never allow me to initiate a conversation about us getting back together. Even though, I had done some immature things during and after our relationship and discovered some information about events that happened during our relationship, I just hoped and wished that one day he would miss and want me back as much as I missed and wanted him back. But alas, we never got back together.
Due to the first blog post, we all know what happened after that, but what I neglected to mention was that since the age 18, I would have dreams about my ex. I don’t mean here and there dreams. I mean frequent dreams about him – like multiple dreams a year. The dreams always seemed too real. It was as if he was there. I could clearly see his face, hear his voice and sometimes, even touch him. Mostly, the dreams would appear out of nowhere. I could not talk about him, think about him or see a picture of him for an extended period of time and then POOF, a dream would appear. I would go from not thinking about him to wondering how he was. At first, I thought that was confirmation from God that we were eventually going to end up back together. As more time went on, I realized that that was probably not going to happen, but my subconscious was not quite ready to let go. Eventually, I had a come-to-Jesus moment and realized that I had to let him go. Shortly afterwards, I had a dream where we said goodbye to each other. However, I still would dream of him, but the emotions the dreams evoked were different. Instead of us dancing around the issue of getting back together or seeing him and being nervous, he became more of an extra in my dream. I would see him in the background, but we had very limited interactions. I dreamed about him so much that dreaming about him grew more annoying, but typical. That is – until one night – I had another vivid dream about him, except this time, we were together.
Enough was enough! What is going on, I thought? I confided in my best friend about the dream (I would rarely admit when I would have a dream about him because it sounded weird) and she sent me a video about dreams by Prophetess Tiphani Montgomery. Prophetess Tiphani said that dreams had a spiritual manifestation to them and that the enemy would use images of people to make covenants with you to keep you bound. I started to ponder what the dream represented. It couldn’t be that I was still holding on to him, so WHAT IS IT?! The more I thought about it, the more it became apparent. That hurt, that pain, that rejection I felt because of our breakup is what helped shaped and molded me into the person that I became. It was the main subtle reasoning behind every relationship decision I made. It was the beginning of my self-worth cracking. I started looking at myself as not good enough. Because he never chose me, I desperately wanted other guys to choose me and would take them back again and again so they could prove that insecurity wrong.
As I mentioned earlier, I never healed from the trauma of that relationship and the enemy knew it. Instead, I overanalyzed the reason as to why we broke up, what happened in the midst of the relationship and why we never got back together. I made assumptions about the what and the why surrounding the relationship and the breakup. I did everything but deal with the hurt.
Moreover, I did everything but give the hurt over to God.
As a result, I became a young woman who operated out of hurt, which led to a myriad of other issues and traumas that I am now learning how to process through and relent to God. The dreams were the enemy’s way of reminding me of my fear of rejection and depicting my self-worth. It was hard for me to move past it when the enemy kept using my dreams as a roadblock.
There are so many lessons in this one story of my life, but I’ll try to pick out the most important ones or whichever ones God leads me to tell.
Firstly, do NOT invalidate your feelings. Often in my 20s when I would think about my ex and our relationship, I would try to convince myself to get over it because I was young and it wasn’t real or it happened x amount of years ago so I should be over it. Although the love I experienced as a teenager will be nothing compared to the love I’ll have for my husband, the emotion that I experienced was a very real emotion for young Kayla and therefore, should not be dismissed. To heal from a situation, you must first confront a situation. More importantly, God cannot help you in a situation that you will not acknowledge. According to a note for Job 1:20-22 from the Life Application Bible, “God created our emotions, and it is not sinful or inappropriate to express them as Job did. If you have experienced a deep loss, disappointment, or heartbreak, admit your feelings to yourself, to God, and to others, and grieve.” From Joseph to David to Hannah, each character in the Bible underwent traumatic situations in their lives. However, God was able to deliver them from their situations because they acknowledge the pain and strife of the situations they were in.
Secondly, give your pain over to God. (This will probably be a reoccurring lesson in this blog). I had to learn that God cares about EVERY detail in your life. Matthew 6:31-33 (NLT) says:
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”
Therefore, God knows how to heal your trauma, mend your broken heart and more. We, as Christians, must learn to trust Him in ALL things and be honest with Him. If you’re dealing with trauma from a past relationship or even a current one, go and confess it to Him. Talk to Him. He is always a whisper away. Unlike friends and family, He won’t meet you with “You should be over this by now” or “It wasn’t real.” God made us. He knows our feelings better than we do. He knows how we will react to situations before we do. As Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT) says, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.” All He wants us to do is to turn to Him for everything. Also, don’t be ashamed to seek help from a therapist. I am a firm believer that Christians need both theology and therapy to help us become the best versions of ourselves as possible. God created therapists because He also knew we would need people on Earth to talk to. Proverbs 19:20 (NLT) says, “Get all the advice and instructions you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.”
Thirdly, there is no appropriate timeline for healing. Everyone is different and situations affect people differently. It can take some people a few months to heal from a situation, while it may take other people years. Don’t rush the process. Trust God and do the work (go to therapy and/or talk to a WISE family member/friend) because faith without work is dead.
Fourthly, heal BEFORE entering another relationship. Society has created a mantra of “the best way to get over a person is to get with a new one.” This, my friend, is ENTIRELY a trap from the enemy.
Sometimes (and I put strong emphasis on sometimes) people can enter a new relationship, and within that new relationship, they discover themselves, heal from the trauma, and have a better relationship from their last. Other times, which is more frequent in my observation, people enter new relationships damaged and either damage/hurt the next person and sometimes, leave the next relationship with more trauma then when they entered. After my first love, I became guarded in relationships. I wasn’t very open. I either searched for relationships that were the antithesis to him or subconsciously searched for relationships that proved to surpass him. I operated out of hurt and assumption, leading me to each subsequent bad decision of my college years and my twenties. After each relationship/situationship I entered, I left with more and more trauma until my self-worth and self-esteem hit rock bottom and my heart was severely scattered. This all occurred because a very prideful teenage girl forced herself to believe that she was fine, even though she wasn’t. If any reader is suppressing trauma, I’m asking you to please confront it and heal from it. Healing the little person inside you ultimately heals the person you are now.
Lastly, you are MORE than your trauma! Psalm 139:14-16 (NIV) says:
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV) says:
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
In other words, God thinks the WORLD of us.
He looks beyond our scars, trauma, flaws and sins to see the person that we truly are. There is no reason to be ashamed from God. Don’t give in to society’s ideology of what self-worth is and think because of our trauma, we are unworthy. LIES!
We are every bit of worthy. We are chosen. We are loved.
*This blog post reflects the author’s recollections of experiences over time. Names of individuals have been changed or omitted to respect their privacy, and some events have been compressed.
