Back in the days when I was young, I’m not a kid anymore
Hello everyone! Welcome to my first blog post. I found it fitting for my first blog post to take you on a journey of how I got here. Like I warned you in the intro, this could be very long. So grab your snacks and let’s get crack-a-lackin’ (lol).
Boys, school, school, boys.
That was basically my thought pattern growing up. After being lectured religiously about going to college, attending college was a non-negotiable for me. Boys was a subject I have always had an interest in. I literally had a crush on at least one boy every year of school. Due to movies like Drumline and Stomp the Yard, TV Shows like A Different World and people telling me that college was the place where many people found their spouses, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would meet my husband in college and reenact all of the cutesy moments from the movies and tv shows. Moreover, I was a planner. Because I enjoyed the praise I would receive when I said I wanted to become a doctor, I planned that I would go to college and declare a premed track as a major, attend med school, be married by 25, have my first kid by 27 and essentially, have a Clair Huxtable life.
Needless to say…life took a dramatic turn. I arrived on the University of Alabama (UA) campus in the Fall of 2011. Loving the new freedom of being out the house and “grown,” I started going to clubs, meeting and texting different guys and other typical college things.
One night, after the club, I met David and we started talking. I was strong in my stance that I wanted to wait to have sex until I was married. I was under the impression that David understood. I began liking him and although he said he liked me too, he started making it known that he wanted sex. Even went so far one time to tell me that he would be in a relationship with me if I would let him have sex with other girls. I wish I could say that I ended things with him and never went back. Sadly, we were off and on again for about a year.
One part of the issue with that situationship was I never imagined that a guy would act like he was ok with something, even though he clearly wasn’t. Growing up, I always got the “A man who loves you will wait” lecture and other similar lectures. In my young mind that equated to either a man would be ok with it or he wasn’t. I never thought I had to be on guard for a dude to act the part just to try to get me to give up the goods. A major part of the issue with the situationship was that I desperately wanted and needed him to prove to me that I was worth it. I wanted him to show me and make an effort to say that I was capable of love. I allowed my self-esteem and my view of my self-worth to be drastically diminished after my previous relationships. Low-key, I didn’t think I was pretty. I wasn’t the type that guys tried to talk to. Unconsciously, I thought this relationship with David was the redemption relationship. Therefore, as I mentioned earlier, I took him back a few times. Even told him that if he was good for three months that I would give him my virginity. The summer after my freshman year, he spent the night at my apartment. He was the first boy that I ever slept with. We didn’t have sex; we just slept in the same bed. The next morning, I drove him to work and shortly afterwards, discovered that he got in a relationship with another girl.
Angry and hurt, I turned into a real female dog. I was mean to guys for no reason. I was rude. I thought all dudes were the same - DOGS. I stopped eating. It got to a point where I would eat one meal a day and snack on candy for the rest of the day. I was sick constantly. As a result, I lost 20 pounds and dropped 2 pants sizes. Furthermore, my hair started falling out. Eventually, I started wondering, “What is it about sex that won’t let a guy choose me?” Long story short, I lost my virginity in a one-night stand and it was TRASH. That experience intensified my anger because David and other guys had the AUDACITY, THE UNMITIGATED GALL to choose THAT over ME?!
I later entered another situationship that ended abruptly and without reasoning. I decided to turn that hurt, pain and desire of a relationship into the one thing that I knew all men wanted – SEX. To others, I lied and said that I was just young, having fun and focusing on schoolwork. In reality, I believed that sex could help me find a relationship. Well…it worked. After knowing Simon a few short weeks, I had a boyfriend and shortly after that, a STD, Type 1 Genital Herpes. My entire world shattered, but Simon still wanted to be with me, and I stayed with him because who else would want me? I stayed with Simon a few months and eventually, due to other reasons, broke up with him. After Simon, I had time to be alone. I began thinking that there was no point in life. No one would love me. I felt like I was a walking disease who was now trying to trick a man into a relationship. Who would want me? And if a man did want and love me, how was I expected to have sex with a man I loved and risk giving him something incurable? I thought this was my punishment for having sex before marriage and going back on my promise to God. I sunk deeper into a depression, and I became oversensitive about everything. I confided in my mom, who in her shock, said some things that made me shut down even more.
My roommate convinced me to go to therapy and it helped for a time. However, UA only allowed a certain amount of free therapy sessions, so I learned how to mask the pain of having herpes. Slowly, I stopped being sensitive about everything, but crying over having herpes or how others would perceive me was still an issue. I got to a point where it became if I didn’t have to talk about it, I wouldn’t think about it. The main time I would think about it was when I would start talking to someone new. I told myself I would tell a guy when I started to like them, but if I’m being honest, I used it as a defense mechanism to see who would stay and who would leave so I wouldn’t get invested. Most guys handled it well…that is until they would freak out about kissing me because genital herpes must mean it’s in the mouth too. *eyeroll* Even then, I would try to be understanding because I knew pre-herpes me would act just like them. Eventually, guys would ghost me or start acting different to the point that I would end things.
Years later, I was talking to this guy for the third time (are y’all detecting a pattern here?). He knew I had herpes and he still wanted me (yay!). However, he wasn’t exactly squeaky-clean. Technically, he was still married, but he told me he was getting a divorce. Despite that, everything seemed to be going great. We were “going with flow,” getting to know each other and becoming each other’s best friend…or so I thought. Turns out, he was in another relationship.
Once again, I was heartbroken and wondered why I am never enough and not picked. Somehow, I came across Touré Roberts’ “5 Keys to Identify Your Soulmate” and from there, I discovered the “Relationship Goals” series by Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church. These two videos allowed me to see that instead of crying over my singleness, which I had been doing for the last 6 years, I should embrace it. I started thinking of more things I could enjoy or do in my single season. I decided to start studying for the GRE and apply to grad school since I had been talking about going back for a year. Just like the enemy, he sent another distraction in the form of Mike. I stopped focusing on studying for the GRE, started talking to him and procrastinating in the meantime. Shortly afterwards, Mike started acting distant, saying “He had a lot going on.” I had suspicions that he had gotten back with his ex and was trying to keep both of us at the same time. We stopped talking, but my self-esteem had taken a hit again. I, once again, was questioning: Why don’t guys like me and why aren’t I enough?
A few months later, I was now “in a friendship” with Aaron. Although, we agreed that we didn’t need to define our relationship, I acted like a girlfriend. We talked on the phone daily, texted each other all day, saw each other whenever we could and other relationship-like things. However, I still wanted someone to pick me, so I stayed quiet about my desire to be his girlfriend and hoped that he would ask. After a few months, Aaron started acting distant as well.
I decided to do what I felt God was ultimately pushing me to decide – reclaim my celibacy. At this point, I hadn’t had vaginal sex in 5 years. My stance on sex was I wouldn’t have sex until I was in a relationship or until we reached 3 months. The enemy was in the background like “oh ok, BET” because about a year after I made the decision, I started talking to Corey and had sex with him.
Not long after Corey and I had sex, we stopped talking. Of the various reasons of why we stopped talking, I discovered that me having herpes was an issue. That angered me because I told him early on in the situationship and I felt like he had ample opportunity to end things before we went too far.
Corey was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He was the pain that told me I didn’t want to do relationships on my own anymore. I started saying if he wasn’t from God, I didn’t want him. I began watching Pastor Todd’s “Relationship Goals Reloaded” and started reading, Relationship Goals, which have been helpful tools in my healing journey.
At the end of 2020, I started assisting my best friend with her marketing business and working with Empowerment Tabernacle Christian Center (ETCC), a local church in Atmore. As a result, I started coming to church on a regular, weekly basis. Eventually, I began to shed one vice at a time and I started to turn my life fully to God. I stopped cussing. I stopped drinking. I stopped masturbating. At the beginning of the year, I decided to fast more. Through my best friend and her mom, God started to speak to me about receiving the Holy Spirit. I fasted for close to 40 days and received the gift to speak in tongues.
Although my relationship with God is strengthening, that does not mean that my life is perfect now. The Holy Spirit is always dealing with me about something to help me become the best version of myself. I am still learning how to love myself, see the self-worth in myself, respect myself and more. I haven’t got all the answers, but I’m learning that no one in life does.
All we can do is experience, grow and learn.
The ultimate lesson that I am learning is that God loves you – mess and all. He can use your “mess” for the betterment of His kingdom. Romans 8:28 (NLT) says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” There is nothing that you can do that will make God not love you. You can always turn your life back to God. God loves you enough and is patient with you enough to allow you to go at your speed. While some people may start to develop a relationship with God and drop everything cold turkey, as I mentioned earlier, I dropped one vice at a time. My advice to people who desire a relationship with God is to begin spending time with Him by reading his Word, listening to worship/Christian/Gospel music, begin to pray more and God will convict you of what and/or who you need to let go of. In this digital age of social media, it’s easy to compare your life – even your Christian life – to someone else’s. I have been blessed with a best friend who has an amazing relationship and upbring with Christ; however, my relationship journey with Christ is different than my best friend’s. Moreover, my relationship is perfect just for me. God is interested in developing a unique personal relationship with YOU. There is no right way of becoming a better Christian.
The best thing you can do is start.
*This blog post reflects the author’s recollections of experiences over time. Names of individuals have been changed or omitted to respect their privacy, and some events have been compressed.
