Beauty Comes from Within
When I was younger, you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t cute. I walked in confidence and boldness.
However, as I entered puberty, my self-esteem and confidence started taking a dive. It seemed that for whatever reason guys weren’t attracted to me. Sure, there were guys that had crushes on me and I had boyfriends, but what I wanted was the ability to walk around the mall or Walmart and get approached by guys I didn’t know. It happened for my friends. I witnessed it happen for other girls. Why not me? On top of that, around this time, the terminology for attractive had advanced to “fine,” “bad” and “thick,” while it seemed I was constantly “cute.”
When I reached college, the issue changed from having guys approaching me to having someone wanting a relationship with me. At first, I thought no one wanted a relationship with me because I wasn’t having sex. After a tumultuous year in college attempting to defend my desire to save myself for marriage, I carelessly lost my virginity. After my anger about my realization of sex subsided, I figured finding a boyfriend would be easier – it wasn’t. In fact, it seemed harder. I started to notice the type of girls a lot of the guys was going for. These girls had sew-ins, freshly done manicures and pedicures and wore make-up. If I couldn’t pay for it on my own, then I put it on my “things to buy when I get a real job” list. As the years proceeded, my appearance got worse and worse. Subconsciously, I thought there was no point in worrying about my appearance, no one wanted me anyway. (By this point, I found out I contracted herpes. More on that story here.) Continuously, I looked at other women and friends and thought how much prettier they were than me. I couldn’t compete so I didn’t try.
When I started going back to therapy, my self-esteem was one of the issues I wanted to tackle. Shortly afterwards, during a conversation with my mom, I broke down and confessed to her that I didn’t feel pretty. My mom asked me a simple question, “If God doesn’t make mistakes, why do you think He made a mistake with you?” When looking at it like that, it was hard to refute.
It took a little while before I could look in the mirror and see someone attractive. It took until a little while ago to accept the word, “cute.” However, although I am physically attractive, that’s not what matters. What matters is I fear the Lord. Proverbs 31:30 (NIV) says: “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” What matters is my heart and soul is attractive and the only way that happens is if I strive to embody the characteristics of Christ. 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT) says: “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
