Looking For [Fun] in All The Wrong Places
I reached a mid-life crisis at the ripe age of 25. “I’m a quarter of a century old,” I kept yelling. Truth be told, I was very discontented with my life at the time. Financially, I was barely surviving. My dream to be married by 25 was dashed. I felt stuck in my job. On top of that, I wanted to go out – to a club, to a party, to anything! But, I had no one to go with and had no idea of where to go even if I wanted to. A few months after my 25th birthday, I moved to Atmore, AL – the country, where the closest civilization was an hour away. (Even in my desperation, I refused to drive alone for two hours for the sake of fun.) Subconsciously, I hung my head and shrugged. What could I do? Settling was all I thought I was able to do.
Even in the midst of going along with my status quo, I felt out of place when people around me would talk about crazy, wild times they experienced when they were younger. While I had a few stories, I felt lame in comparison. My life was dull. As I kept analyzing my life to see if there was any moment where I could’ve salvaged my social life, I stumbled upon my 9th grade year, titled it the “turning point” and quickly resented it.
9th grade year was the year I decided to transfer from a regular public school to a magnet school – a magnet school that had rejected me a few months prior. If I’m being honest, numerous reasons led me to change schools, but the main one was my strong desire to be accepted into college on a scholarship. I think what I expected was a version of All American or Moesha or any television show or movie where the main character changes schools and melds both their old and new worlds together. However, my experience didn’t go like that. As soon as I transferred, I entered a seemingly never-ending rabbit hole of homework, tests, research papers and more. Although I still communicated with a few of my friends from my old school, it became harder to hang out with them as I embraced the life of being a student at my new school.
College was going to be my time to shine! I would be away from my parents. I would be old enough to get into the club. Since marrying my high-school sweetheart was off the table, I was sure I was going to find my husband in college. As you all know, life took another direction.
As I was going through therapy and getting closer to the Lord, I began to wonder why I felt discontentment. Why do certain TV shows trigger me and make me sad? I realized I was allowing nostalgia for what could have been to warp my perspective of what was. I realized I was acting like Lot’s wife.
Just like Lot’s wife, I was holding on to this dream I envisioned, but a dream God didn’t want for me. Because I was so busy looking back at the life I wanted, it distorted the blessing to be able to attend and graduate Top Ten from my high school! It overlooked the fact that LAMP was a steppingstone for the educational and career accomplishments I received afterwards. I realized I was so upset about what didn’t happen, I didn’t stop to think of what might have happened if I would’ve gotten the life I wanted. I thank God for protecting me from the life I thought I wanted so He could bless me with the life He wanted for me.
Contentment isn’t just about being content with where you are now. Contentment is also accepting that life didn’t go the way you planned or wanted but knowing that “God is working everything out for your good” (Romans 8:28).
I can honestly say the season I am in now is way better than the life I thought I wanted to live.
My advice:
Stop looking back with resentment as if God didn’t already pave the road for you.
